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The Turtle is pleased to welcome Uncle Rosa to the pages of the People's Organ.

Uncle Rosa's first forays into the world are here for all to see. If you've a problem, or you've got a friend with a problem, why not Ask Uncle Rosa?


Dear Uncle Rosa,

problem = i love my wife but she is a member of the bourgeoisie and wants me to get a job so we can have a "normal" life. I want to be a full time revolutionary. what am I to do?

Yours ,

help

Dear help,

After the revolution, the life your partner considers 'normal' will at best be considered hopelessly backward, but more likely will be seen as an impediment to the flourishing of true workers' consciousness. The best solution would be to persuade your partner of this, so that you can toil together, two hands of the same revolutionary worker, towards inevitable triumph. The second-best solution involves your partner having a 'normal life', using the ill-gotten gains to bankroll your revolutionary activities. Failing that, Uncle Rosa thinks you should devote yourself full-time to building a time-machine, with which to catapult your wife into the future. On seeing what happens to people like her, she'll quickly come around.

Uncle Rosa



Dear Uncle Rosa,

I have a problem. Lately, I have been pondering about this Burden of I. It appears to be a futile task. The more I try to get away from it, the closer it gets -- from Left, Right, Centre and their extremeties.

Is there another Way that could relieve me of this burden that I cannot seem to escape from?

Confused in Canberra.

Dear Confused,

It is propitious that you seek the Way. Imperialist Orientalism would point you towards Taoism, a breed of Wayism avant la lettre. Luckily, the Turtle has mustered its revolutionary forces, and has updated Tao in a way that, while fully preserving its Chinese characteristics, has made it accessible to the masses, and to younger comrades in particular. I urge you, therefore, to lose the Burden of your I in the transcendental moment of revolutionary fervour that will inevitably follow a reading of this month's first instalment of "The Mao of Pooh".

Yours in Struggle, Uncle Rosa



Dear Uncle Rosa,

I have a problem. I'm amazed by this cute Turtle yet hard to convince myself that it could really either announce or symbolize the coming of Springtime. To me, Spring is a sudden warm breeze alienated from the freezing winter wind. Pondering social improvements for years, I could never get hold of any solid answer, as this world is clad with diversities engendered by dead histories. Is there really an excuse for me not to be cynical?

Jay Solo

Dear Jay,

Uncle Rosa often gets accused of being an old biddy. But with age comes wisdom, and another of my favourite Biddys has this to say:

"What leftists have criticised in the feminist movement as fragmentation, lack of organisation, absence of a coherent and encompassing theory and the inability to mount a frontal attack may very well represent fundamentally more radical and effective responses to the deployment of power in our society than the centralisation and abstraction that continue to plague Leftist thinking and strategy."

Biddy Martin leads us toward clearer thinking and a stronger optimism of the will.

Cheer up, Jay!

Uncle Rosa


Dear Uncle Rosa,

I recently discovered that most of my immediate family would rather die than
live under the socialist system that I've taken on as my moral/political ideal.
Will it be unfair of me, once the Revolution comes, to re-educate them at gunpoint,
all the while insisting that true liberty only comes by succombing to our mind-opening
coercion? What ramifications might this have at port-Revolution reunions/family
get-togethers, assuming that families as such even exist under the post-Rev. social paradigm?

When my dad accuses me of advocating a kleptocracy, how can I convince him
that his property is not his own and that it is out of a sense of love, not
personal gain, that I want it all taken away from him to serve interests that
are not his? How can I let my friends and family know that stealing at
gunpoint isn't really stealing when it's done with their best interests in mind?

Please help me repair my personal life!

yours sincerely,

Confounded in Clemson

Comrade C in C!

Uncle Rosa feels your pain.

Luckily, President Bush's imminent repeal of the Death Tax provides an antidote.

[Uncle Rosa encourages you to savour, and act upon, the wisdom behind the
NRA slogan "Guns don't kill people, people kill people".]

Shoot and redistribute at will.

Avanti!

UR


Dear Uncle Rosa,

Many of my comrades are getting hitched in one way or another over the next few months. But I'm worried. Do their impending nuptials mean that they're party to a bourgeois, exclusive and heteronormative institution?

Many thanks,

Always a bridesmaid, Harare

Dear Always a Bridesmaid,

This is a serious issue, and one that demands a fuller response than I can offer at the moment. Until I can devote my full attention to this, read this email circular from my friends at the Think Again Artist collective, on the marriage industry. By the time you've spread the word, I'll have had a chance to reply a little more constructively. A word of advice in the meantime, AAB: pink isn't your colour.



Dear Uncle Rosa,

I have heard that my green anarchist crusty friend Piers / smart cool civil servant friend Clare has had a bath and become a management consultant: what is the appropriate response when she tells me the terrible news in person?

Dear Friend of Piers and Clare

I'm sorry to hear about your deviationist friends. Sadly capitalism sometimes works like this. Many, too many, of my favourite leftists are now investment bankers and IT specialists. I've found that walking into the posh restaurants where they dine with their new friends, and dropping a large bundle of revolutionary literature into their crab bisque for distribution within the firm doesn't go down terribly well. Until we find a permanent solution to this disturbingly commonplace problem, I suggest that you nod understandingly when they tell you the news, buy them a great deal of beer, and when they nip off to piss, glue the toilet door shut, opening it only when they've come to their senses.

Your Uncle
Rosa



Dear Uncle Rosa,

My grandmother is a 6' 2'' transgender S & M activist from New York City. I have tried to hide this from my friends, but now she is threatening to come and visit. Should I try to integrate her into my circle of publishing assistants and PR executives, or should I pretend to go out of town myself, and hope that she doesn't bring any of them home from the bars?

Dear S&M Grandchild

The only way anyone makes it in PR and publishing is through some sort of unique selling point. In other professions, intelligence, talent, creativity and wit are prerequisites, but in PR and publishing these are overqualifications. Lucky for you, since you're clearly not an imaginative or creative person. Your grandma is going to have to be your ticket to middle management. Take her out, introduce her to your friends, and hope that they're so dazzled that they forget that she's got more personality in her little finger than you ever will.



Dear Uncle Rosa,

My sister/brother/friend/work colleague got married and invited me to the wedding. I went to considerable trouble and expense to choose a gift that the couple would enjoy for many years to come. A couple of months after the wedding, I received a pre-printed card in the post, with at most a wedding photo or two, thanking me for my presence on their special day. Not even signed. Can I sue?

Dear Traditionalist

The Rules of Etiquette say that you can. But only if you wear a full college suit of armour, and appear in court astride a pure white sandwich and a pint of beer.

Your
Uncle Rosa

 
   
   
   

 

 
   
         

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